Seeing is believing

Sorry, but I've been so exhausted since Friday that I haven't had the energy or even really the will to write anything. My days currently consist of me going to the hospital in the morning, going home for lunch, back again in the afternoon, staying til the evening, coming home and making/eating dinner, drag myself to the library, go home and attempt to read, fall asleep reading, worry about not getting enough reading done, giving up on reading and collapsing in bed.

I'll try to actually have a catch up post sometime down the road, but suffice to say that I'm keeping busy.

The login I was using to access internet on my lappy at the hospital was disconnected or inactivated or something so I can no longer use my laptop for skype or other internet related things.

I've seen and done some cool stuff at the hospital, but it's pretty stressful trying to always be smiling, cheerful, and attentive and not let on that you really hope that no one asks you anything because you don't know diddly. But I do want to be asked questions because I know it helps me learn and it helps me make connections to the material I know is up there, but just hasn't been accessed in a while or not often. But I want to be asked because they want to help me learn, not because they want a means by which to judge me.

Really I feel like I'm trying so hard to make sure everyone sees me doing something productive. It's like a show I have to put on because if I just go and do the work and not pay attention to what other people are seeing or what they may be thinking, I get in trouble... not because I'm not doing anything, but because they won't notice unless I make the effort to be noticed. It's like I have to make the effort to constantly mentally shout, "Look, I'm here on the ward!" "I'm here at clinic!" "I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, and I'm working hard!" And the effort of the show is exhausting. I'm exhausted from stressing out. I just want to do the work, get the most out of this experience, and learn as much as I can. That's what it's supposed to be about... learning and growing. I shouldn't be worrying about proving myself to the consultants or anyone because my actions should speak for themselves. Unfortunately, if the actions aren't seen by the consultants themselves, they are considered nonexistent.